Mental Health Awareness Week: Depression & Me
Natalie IfillTW: Depression, Suicide, Self-harm
Talking about mental health is scary. Telling people how you really feel is scary. Feeling like an imposter is scary. But I have depression. I get anxiety. I'm on medication. I do therapy. And I feel better but it's still there.
It took me a long time to believe I was actually depressed. And to actually feel like I "deserved" to be depressed (which in itself is a proper confusing concept!). I felt like an imposter and sometimes I still do. Because I'm privileged to have a good life, I have a loving family and great friends but sometimes there's a dark cloud just raining on my parade and learning to accept that depression has no ideal target is hard.
Depression is often referred to as a feeling of drowning or seeing everything in black and white. I didn't feel a connection to that. It didn't hit me like a ton of bricks, it was slow and took its time to build stronger and stronger. I could still function but I felt consumed by a negative energy and my thoughts were dark. I cried all the time, wanted to sleep all the time (I still do), I just wanted to be alone, I was over sensitive to noise - just wanting silence and every time I got sad I just wanted to self-harm or die. It's weird how being in that space didn't connect to depression but now almost two years later I can see how much "brighter" my life is. I can actually begin to rationalise things before going to the worst case scenario. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not "fixed" and as many times as I joked that I was "cured" after a therapy session to friends I've become to accept that there is no cure. This is the way I am, and that's okay. It's a battle but an achievable one.
The point of this post is really to say that when it comes to mental health there is no "one size fits all". It's okay to feel whatever you feel, but it's important to know that things can get better. You've got to keep trying until you find something that works for you. I don't really know where I would be today without therapy, my medication and my family and friends but I know it would be nowhere good. Not everyone is lucky to have access to all this, but there is still support out there for you if you don't.
Making jewellery is also one of things that has greatly helped me in my journey. Although at times it causes me a lot of stress and I doubt myself, I also have been able to put my feelings into work, zone out, connect with people and help charities that are so important. Two of my favourite makes ever are "The Story Goes On..." and the "SAD" ring (unfortunately now discontinued), as these both came from a place of opening up and giving a reminder of the hurdles I've faced. And the best part is that part of the proceeds goes to the Samaritans. Although the Samaritans are there for you in a time of desperate need, they are also there for any issue - small or big. Whether you're lonely and need a chat, feeling suicidal, just needing a voice of reason, they are there waiting for your call 24/7. To think of all the people they've saved or just helped in life truly warms my heart and I'm so proud that I am able to help support this charity.
Although mental health should be at the forefront of our minds all the time, life gets in the way. But being Mental Health Awareness Week this week (10th-16th May) I really encourage you to talk to your friends and family - check in with them, or give them a proper update about you! (trust me when I say its the build up of talking about feelings which is the scariest part), if your friends/family suffer with an illnesses do your own research into them so you can understand what that person may be going through, support mental health charities and be extra kind to the people around you. We can only break down the stigma on mental health by being open about it.
Wishing you a lot of love,
Eilatan x
(Orginally posted May 10, 2021)
